Merry Christmas!

I am all done.

All ready for Santa and family time.

 

From our house to yours...

Merry Christmas!!

too close

I like to know what's going on.

I like to hear things.

I even like to gossip.

 

But this.

I don't want to know about this.

Not any of it.

 

I don't want to know why or when or where.

I especially don't want to know how many.

 

I don't want to think about unopened Christmas presents.

Or left-behind sisters and brothers.

I don't want to fathom a mother's arms who are holding special stuffed animals,

trying to smell a familiar smell,  

instead of tiny little warm bodies.

 

It's too much.

Too close.

 

They were 6.

She is 6.

 

I have stayed away from the news.

Stayed away from Facebook

I don't want to hear the childen's accounts of what happened.

The sensationalism of it all.

It makes me so very sad.

 

So instead I do what every other fortunate mother is doing.

I hug her tighter.

And relish her smell and giggles.

And even her whinyness.

Cause she is still here.

I still have her.

No random act of awfulness has stolen her from me.

 

Today we are in our matching jammies.

Baking cookies and finishing up our homemade Christmas presents.

I am so lucky.

So very, very, very lucky.

 

God bless those affected.

God bless those families.

God bless those mothers.

And God bless those sweet little boys and girls.

the bare essentials

My poor kid.

I am doing the bare essentials this Christmas.

Think she notices?

Of course she doesn't.

But I do.

And it bothers the heck outta me.

Here it is, halfway through December and we have read nary a Christmas book.

It's shameful really.

This weekend though, we are HOLIDAZING it UP!

Christmas light looking.

Christmas cookie baking.

Present buying and wrapping.

Carols.

I am gonna cram the whole holiday in this one teeny tiny little weekend.

So there.

On a side note:

Benjamin has been a huge hit this year.

Sneaky little elf.

Some people think he is creepy looking.

I think he is mischievous looking.

Thoughts?

read any good books lately?

I am not reading.

 

This is like saying the sky is green.

or

The grass is red.

 

It's just not true.

Usually.

 

I usually devour books.

Can't read them fast enough.

 

I blame the job.

Stupid job.

 

However, for the last 6 or so months, I haven't read more than 2 books.

This is not ok.

 

Not even a little.

 

I have tried.

I pick a book up at night,

and two seconds later, my eyes slam shut.

 

And on weekends, I really feel like I should maybe clean my house

or spend some time with my kid.

 

Then,

this week I picked up a James Patterson at the library.

Cause he is SO EASY to read.

 

It's about animals that start to attack people and take over the world.

Weird.

and Good!

 

Mayby my dry spell is over??

 

Here's hoping.

 

I have a few queued on my ipad.

One is for book club.

Next week.

Better get on it!

thankful

Ever since mom died, I struggle with the holidays.

They just aren't the same.

So I always made sure to keep myself insanely busy.

So I wouldn't notice what was missing.



 Then.

Last year.

The unthinkable happened.

We had no plans for Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve.

My favorite and hardest day of the year.

 But then something miraculous happened.

It was just us.

And we rocked Christmas Eve.

We rocked it like a hurricane.

I don't want it to be any other way now.

 

It happened again last night.

We had no plans, the night before Thanksgiving.

So we opened a bottle of red.

Played gin.

And laughed.  A lot.

 So while there might be a huge hole where she should be.

It healed just a little when I realized when I have everything I need right here.

 

I love how much he adores her.

And what a good example he is for her.

And how he makes her life silly and fun.

I am Thankful.

 I love our traditions.

And our inside jokes.

And the things we don't tell anyone else about.

I am Thankful.

 I love how she makes me laugh.

And how she has my hair color.

And how she looks just like my mama.

I am Thankful.

 I love how he loves me.

He is so very good at it.

For that, I am eternally Thankful.

I have it good.

Better than most even.

Thankful.

weekend

 We had us a great weekend.

All friends and family with a side of (much needed) house and yard work.

 We ventured to an outdoor upscale mall scene to watch SANTA ligth the tree and set off fireworks.

It was great!

And we cannot keep her fed.

She has to be growing.

Because she is hungry all. the. time.

And now it is Sunday night.

If it weren't for the Walking Dead, I wouldn't like Sunday nights.

Sigh.

tuesday random

 

I kinda like Tuesdays.

 

They're unassuming.

And chill.

 

Plus there's lots of good tv on.

 

Like Parenthood.

Man alive.

I have yet to make it through an episode without bawling like a big ol' baby.

 

Ordered our Christmas cards today.

We went funky this year.

I hope everyone likes them.

 

We have a funky glue smell in our house.

It's really bad.

Apparently they sauldered some sewer lines somewhere.

And the stench came up through our pipes.

We all have headaches.

It's super fun.

 

Ok.
That's all I have to say.

I have laundry to fold and a glass of pinot to drink.

And Parenthood to watch.

 

Peace out party people.



hurried

Hustle and bustle.

Hurry.

Hurry.

Hurry!!

 

I feel hurried.

All the time.

 

I don't like that.

 

Below are 4 examples of how I am just not quite cutting it.

 

1.  She was in bed, asleep, before I had time to kiss her goodnight.

Unacceptable.

 2.  I am just now getting to posting her Halloween pics.

She was a fawn.

 Her candy loot that I can't seem to find time to throw out.

There's lots of good stuff in there :)

 I have taught her to make her own grilled cheese.

Cause who has time to make dinner?

Ok.  In all seriousness, I do still cook for her, but figured it was high time she start learning her way around the stove.

She did great.

 

This is my first time working during the holidays, with a kid to make a great Christmas for, and I am 14 kinds of stressed.

 

Isn't that stupid.

 

Yes. I said stupid.

 

Things at work are nutso busy.

Which is good.

But...busy.

 

Things at home are busy.

Which is good.

But...busy.

 

I don't like being busy!

 

Ok.

Rant over.

 

Will someone please comment and tell me to chill the heck out?!?!?

 



family pics

We had some family pictures taken by my friend LIZ a few weeks ago.

She did such a great job!

If you are local, check her out!

 

I can't show you my very favorites, cause one of them is going to be my Christmas card.

I just don't know which one yet.

 

Here are a few from the day...



 For anyone who has a lovey as important as Baby Polar Bear, you understand why he got his moment of glory.

He is a part of the family, afterall.

 My little model baby.

 Ok.

This next one is one of my very favorites.

Maybe even my favorite.

But since it is not really Christmas card appropriate, you get to see it.

Dear Heavens, I love this man.

 

 

We were way overdue for some shots.

And I am please as punch with what we got.

 

Thanks Liz!!

what you see/what you don't see

What you see:

 

A delightful jack-o-lantern with a delicious pumpkin bowl of oatmeal.

 A quiet rainy Sunday with a cute girl reading from her chapter book.

It was a lovely weekend filled with these things.

 

However.

 

What you don't see.

 

The irritated mom who drags out all the stuff to carve a pumpkin, hoping for a nice family moment.

And getting a kid who spends 12 seconds painting a pumpkin and a husband who disappears into the basement to watch football.

I carved that sucker all alone.

 

The oatmeal in the pumpkin bowl was not nearly as good as it should have been.

 

A kid screaming bloody murder 12 seconds before the reading shot because there is nothing "painless" about Compound W.

(She has a wart or 4 on her knee)

 

The whining and grumpiness happening.

From me.

I just wanted to read my darn book!

 

 

 

But I would like to think that I won't remember those things.

 

I will only remember these two shots.

And how the good moments of the day far outweighed the irritating ones.

ok. i give up.

I am really sorry.

 

I thought I could do it.

 

But I am in front of a computer all day at work.

 

I come home, empty out backpacks, get snacks, help with homework, start dinner, start laundry, etc...

You know...mom stuff.

 

The last thing I want to do after all that is sit back down at the computer.

 

So the everyday story thing is out.

 

I am still here though.

 

Blogging.

 

From now on though, I think only the really important stuff is going to make it on here.

 

Stuff like these pictures:

 

Images from my crazy busy hectic wonderful life.

 

 



31 days of stories: day 18

31 days of stories: day 18

Hello last 7 days.

Where did you go?

The Story of the my First Kitty

Well, technically, my first kitty was Button.

She was all white.

And hated my guts.

Cause I was a young kid.

And probably didn't handle her very well...

Then when I was 7 or 8 we got Tabitha.

Tabby for short.

She was the dinkiest little grey and white thing.

Teeny Tiny.

And cross eyed.

But only at people she didn't like.

:)

Tabby was an indoor/outdoor kitty.

And could jump a mile high.

I also used to push her around in a baby stroller.

And she would let me.

Such a good girl.

She was a horrible mouser.

She would see them in the house

(we did live next to a cornfield, afterall, we had a few mice during harvest...)

and run the other way.

Big baby.

She would cuddle up during tv time.

But preferred Mom's lap to mine.

I remember her best sitting in the sun at the back patio door, looking outside.

She died when I was living in Virginia.

I still miss her.

31 days of stories - day 11

Day 11: The Story of the Time I Peed like a Boy in Front of Boys...for an Oreo.

 

 

I can't believe I am about to tell this story.

Promise me you will still like me.

M'kay??

 

I was little when this happened.

But old enough to remember.

So maybe, 6?

So not that little.

 

My Aunt Judy used to watch me.

Her son, Adam, was the bane of my childhood.

He was such a little pistol.

Ornery!

 

One day he had a bunch of friends over and they were all in the bathroom peeing

(yes, all together, that's weird now that I think about it)

when I walked in to get some kool-aid.

 

Cause Judy always had kool-aid.

 

Adam, being his ornery self, said something along the effect of how boys were better than girls because they could pee standing up.

 

Humph.

 

My inner feminist came out and I told him I could do anything he could do.

And do it better!

 

He bet me an oreo I couldn't pee like a boy.

 

I thought about it for 2 seconds, looked around at the other boys,

and promptly took off my pants, straddled the toilet, and peed.

 

Oh. My Gosh.

 

Did I just write that one here?

 

I think I did.

 

Anyhoo, I remember looking around, all proud of myself,

and the boys were crestfallen.

I could pee like a boy!

 

They had to share their oreos.

Best darn oreo I ever did eat.

 

 

Don't think that story doesn't still come up when I go home.

 

Yeah.

It's a favorite at Thanksgiving.

 

 

 

 

31 days of stories - day 9

Day 9 - The Story of Ellie's Birth

 

I had the world's easiest pregnancy.

Seriously.

I was barely sick.

Gained only 25 pounds.

Felt great.

 

However, I had a very, very difficult delivery.

 

We took Bradley classes.

I wanted all natural, all the way, baby.

Epidurals were for sissies and I was ready to DO THIS.

 

I went into labor at 12:04 am, on my due date.

"Here we go!"

 

The first 12 hours weren't bad.

Contractions were every 7-8 minutes.

Totally manageable.

 

Around 4pm, things seemed to pick up speed.

I was in hourly contact with Paige, who just so happened to be my doula.

We played board games and watched some TV.

And joked about how different our lives were going to be.

Just think!

We were only hours away from having our girl.

Our little Elizabeth Paige.

 

After Survivor, so around 9pm,

it started to hurt.

A lot.

 

I called Paige and she told me to eat something and try to rest.

Cause weren't going to be no eatin' once I got to the hospital.

 

I layed down for a bit after a quick snack of crackers and sprite.

(I CRAVED sprite during my pregnancy.)

 

Around 10:30 pm, the contractions seemed to change.

They were lower, and across my back, and made me sick to my stomach.

 

Called Paige again and she told me to take a shower then head on into the hospital.

 

I showered.

My belly was seriously GIGANTIC.

I was terrified.

This was really it.

I was going to the hospital to have a baby.

 

I got out of the shower and promptly threw up.

Yay.

 

Chris helped me get dressed and loaded in the car.

 

I had about 6 contractions on the way to the hospital.

Not a good time.

I hadn't realized up until that point how much Chris had been helping me through them.

Now that he was driving and couldn't help, they seemed to hurt worse.

 

We finally got to the hospital.

24 hours after I had felt my first contraction.

 

When I got out of the car,

my water broke.

 

We met Paige at the door and walked what seemed to be the longest hallway in the history of the world. 

I had to stop 3 times for contractions.

Kim, my second doula, joined us soon after.

Yes, I am lucky to have to family members who are doulas!

 

I finally got into my room, got a gown on and got checked by the midwife.

I was a whopping 1 centimeter.

Yes.

1.

After 24 hours of labor.

 

I should have known right then that things weren't going to go well.

But Paige explained how some women go all at once, that now that I was at the hospital, I would go fast.

 

I didn't.

 

4 hours later of contractions every 3-5 minutes.

3 cm.

 

I sat on the ball.

Walked the halls.

Rocked in a rocking chair.

 

4 hours after that.

3.5 cm.

 

I sat on the ball

Walked the halls.

Leaned over the bed.

 

8 hours after that.

5 cm.

 

By that time, around noon, on the second day, I was exhausted.

And completely grossed out.

No one mentioned that once your water broke,

you would leak forevermore after that.

It was really fun.

Not.

 

My midwife was starting to get concerned, but I was determined.

I was managing the pain ok.

Chris and Paige and Kim were all helping me through it.

I was just really tired.

 

She said she would give me 4 more hours.

2 hours later, I caved and got the epidural.

I needed rest!

Nearly 40 hours of unmedicated labor.

I'm a rockstar.

:)

 

2 hours after that Ellie's heart rate started to drop and we very quickly made the decision to have a c-section.

I have never seen Chris look so scared.

 

They gave me another shot of something and I barely remember anything about her actual delivery.

Isn't that sad?

 

I remember throwing up on the very cute anesthesiologist.

And trying to stay awake.

And hearing them say, it's a girl!

And that there was no way on God's green earth I was ever going to have a baby the natural way.

Apparently, I have a very small pelvis or some such nonsense.

 

What seems like days later, I got to recovery and got to see her.

She was beautiful.

Wouldn't you agree?

 

As hard as all of that was,

the first two weeks at home were even harder.

 

I was in serious pain.

I was exhausted.

I was sad.

I missed my mother.

 

I thank the sweet heavens for Chris.

He stayed with me.

And brought me food.

And rubbed my feet.

And took such good care of me.

 

 

 

He even helped me nurse.

I remember him bringing her to me one morning telling me it was time for her to eat.

 

I flat out refused.

If you have ever nursed, you know the pain I was in.

 

He reminded me that I had made him promise to make me if I wussed out.

I relented.

Thank goodness I did.

After the first few weeks it got much easier, and we happily nursed for 11 months, until, one morning, she poked it and laughed.

She was done.

 

So, all in all, my pregnancy was fantastic.

And my delivery sucked.

It took me a long time to get over the fact that I didn't get the delivery I wanted.

 

I did, however, get perfect results.

And that's all the really matters.

 

 

(wook at those wittle toes.  i die.)