new and improved

This is going to be one of those posts I may or may not regret writing.

It is going to be honest.

And scary.

And real.

As I mentioned earlier, 2011 was not a great year.

All was going well and then Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

The prognosis was not good.

We almost lost him in August.

It was not a good time.

I was in Indiana.

My family was here.

Ellie was about to start school.

I felt like I needed to be in 13 places at once.

However, now, he is good.

Hanging in there.

No real pain and able, for the most part, to fend for himself.

The plan before all the craziness started was for me to get a job when Ellie started school.

We had planned and budgeted for that.

And I was ready.

I was all geared up for the job search when Noonie got sick.

I had updated my resume, contacted a few people and such.

It all came to a screeching halt when he got really bad.

Herein lies my delimma.

I don't know whether I should stay available for him, even though, right now, I am hardly needed,

find a throw away job that can be easily discarded,

or just jump right in and hope for the best.

I am bored.

Boredom leads to laziness and apathy.

I love my family and the life I lead,

but I need something new.

Just for me.

Ideally, I would love to work from home.

As would every other stay at home mom on the planet.

Ideally, I would love to write.

Ideally.

I am lucky in that I "know people who know people."

Cause it's all about who you know, right?

I feel like the last half of 2011 was spent waiting.

I am sick to death of waiting.

All it did was make me lazy and sad.

I want to feel useful.

And productive.

And challenged.

So that is my word for 2012.

CHALLENGE

I am going to stop waiting.

I am going to jump right in and start living my life again.

I don't know why I have been so hesitant.

Fear perhaps?

I am going to be new and improved.

I am exercising.

With plans of another 13.1 and a warrior dash in my future.

Chris and I are doing the Warrior Dash together.

Sort of as a team building exercise.

I think some friends are going to join in on the fun.

I am going to get strong and build some muscle mass.

I am going to find something I like doing, pays a little money, and fits into my life.

At this point, though, hours are much more important that pay.

How fortunate am I that that is the case?

I am going to have more patience, be nicer, and do more good in the world.

It will happen.

Just you watch.

Feel free to encourage me along the way.

I am gonna need it at times, I reckon.

*************************************************************

Ok.  I just re-read that and I sound a little spoiled and selfish. 

Cause I know how much worse it could be. 

 I know that a lot of people would love to have my problems. 

I know I have it good. 

But, man, this is how I feel right now. 

I am going to go and push publish now before I chicken out.