Thursday, September 16, 2010

september 16

When you first lose your mom you think you will never get through it.
It is impossible to imagine a life without her.

Then, months later, you go a whole day without thinking about her
and cry because you didn't think about her.

Then, months after that, you go a whole day without thinking about her
and its ok.  Almost.

Then you have your first child and think you will never get through it.
It's impossible to imagine being a mother without your own mother to help.
Especially the mother of a daughter.

Then you get too busy in the everyday to dwell on it much.
But it still hurts when there are things you want to share with her and can't.
Like her first smile, or when she first notices a robin, or the first time she said
"who is grandma teetee?"

Then you watch your friends with their mothers
mothers who are healthy and alive and there
grandma's who spoil and babysit and listen to all that stuff that nobody really cares about
and you get really sad.

Cause it's just not fair.

Then you realize this is the way it is.
And you get on with it.

Then you wake up and it is her birthday
and you miss her all over again.

You wish she were here.  My, how life would be different if she were here.
On her birthday you would
make opera cremes and watch The Way We Were and swoon over Robert Redford.
And talk books.
And movies.
Over wine of course.
Then we would be tipsy and think Chef Boyardee pizza sounded good.
So we would make some.
And plan for the future.  Her next visit.  What books Ellie might want next.  When Ellie can come to Indiana.
You know, mother/daughter stuff.
Unimportant things.  Until they are gone.  Then, so very very missed.

September 16.  A happy day.
Happy Birthday Mama.
I love you.

7 comments:

shelley c. said...

Enjoy the day in her honor. She would be so proud.

C. Beth said...

Makes me cry...what a great post. It honors her memory. I'm sorry that life has to be so unfair sometimes.

forever folding laundry said...

Tia, this is lovely and you have me in tears. Yes, she definitely would be proud. I think it would be a fitting tribute to make opera cremes and swoon over Robert Redford today anyway, for her.

~Keri

Riki said...

Love this post <3

Molly said...

Tears. Streaming.

Your mom was one of the funniest, most entertaining, fun loving, passionate about family women I have ever known! It is amazing to watch you become the same kind of mother with Ellie! Your mom is watching you and LOVING getting to see it all!!

Lots of love coming at ya....

Nicole said...

Tia, I cried with you reading this post. I wish I could have met your mom. I love the way you talk about her and I love the honesty and authenticity of this post. I'd like to hear more about your mom sometime. I think talking about the wonderful ways that the ones we love occupy the world is important and honorable, even if...or maybe especially if, they are not here in person to speak for themselves. Thanks for sharing the way she was in the world and the ways you miss her.

Shannon said...

Sorry I missed this last Thursday. Hope you enjoyed your day and celebrated your mom's life! You are an amazing woman... Have a great day!