Tuesday, September 7, 2010

only

******DISCLAIMER!  VERY PERSONAL POST.  READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!**********

So there is a big delimma in my life these days.  Huge.  Ginormous. Monstrous.  It consumes my nearly every waking hour.  I think and think and think about it.  Stress about it.  Worry about it.  Endlessly.

The question is, should we give Ellie a sibling.

This sibling could come from us.  A true sibling.  The least likely scenario.  I don't need to be pregnant again.  There are lots of kids out there that need a good home.

This sibling could be adopted.  A less least likely scenario.  For some reason, I always see a little dark skinned child. A complete contrast to Ellie's ivory complexion.  I can see their little different colored fingers entwined walking in front of us on the way to the park.

This sibling could be a dog.  Ha!  We are working on Chris, the dedicated dog hater in the family.

There is only one problem.  Chris and I are totally completely happy with the little family we have.  I certaintly don't need another baby.  I don't even think I want one. 

But I don't want any regrets.  And it's not like I would ever regret another child.  Ever.  And I know that.

But we are still happy with where we are.  With our little family.  The three of us. 

I know people think we are making a mistake, making the wrong decision. 

But I don't know if I can have justify having a baby for Ellie, and not cause we really want to expand our family.  Do you have a baby for your exsisting child?  There is no guarantee they would be close.  Plus, now they would be over 5 years apart.  And every time we ask her if she wants a brother or sister, she says no.

I am justifying and I know that.  She doesn't know what's best for her.  Hell, in this situation, I don't know whats best either.  I don't want her to be all alone when we are gone.  But then again, I am a huge proponent that your family is what you make it to be.

Are we being selfish?  We have it so good right now.

You see, I am an only child.  And I loved it.  As a grown woman, I can see the definite advantages of a brother or sister.  But I don't feel like I am missing anything.  I don't fell deprived of anything.  And I have suffered some major life crisis.  (Hello! mother dying when I was 26 and just getting to know her.  How dare she!?!)  But I still never said, "this would be so much easier with someone to share it with."  Cause I don't know the difference.  You just endure what you have to.  Right?

Right?

I guess I just need someone to say "It's ok!  There are lots of only children out there.  Their not all spoiled rotten.  They are happy.  They lead good, fulfilling lives."

Actually, people have told me that.  But I can see behind them.  I see that they don't really mean it.  They don't mean me harm and they are not judging me, but they don't mean it.  They can't imagine having only one and don't really get it.  I don't blame them for how they feel and I love them for trying to make me feel better.

Or even better, I wish I could see 20 years down the road.  Make sure she is happy.  Make sure she doesn't feel all alone.

It's such a freaking hard decision.  I am so tired of worrying about it.

I could go on and on.  But I think you get the general idea.

9 comments:

Shannon said...

An opinion from me... mom of 2... We seriously considered having only one. We went as far as to tell our parents we were done. The thing was, I wasn't done. In my mind, I was meant to have two kids and I always knew that. I always wanted that. Mike and I went back and forth on the subject. Then, I had some pretty serious cervical issues and it was possible (slight but still) that I wouldn't ever be able to conceive again. That was when it was made clear to me that I already had two children even though it was just Mike, J, and I. When I was told that I may never conceive again, I felt as though I had lost a child. I think you just know what is the right thing. Don't do it for Ellie. She is happy and will be happy forever. Having a sibling will not change that. You and Chris need to do what your heart tells you. Make the decision that is best for you and your family. Don't feel like you are going to regret not having two children. I have friends that are already planning on #3. I am not. People ask us all the time if we are going to try for a boy. They always get a sad, "poor you", look in their eyes when I tell them we are done. Nobody can make the decisions of your life better than you. Ellie is SO lucky to have parents that care about her so much. Just because she is an only child does not mean she will be a spoiled brat. With you as her mom, I see no way that could happen. Best of luck in your decision! Follow your heart and you can't go wrong! xoxo

Jessica said...

I completely agree with Shannon. Follow your heart. As someone who does not know you (other than the blog-you!) reading your post was very telling that you know where your heart lies on this matter. I am not an only child and I have two daughters so I cannot speak from experience. However, I strongly believe that we need to listen to our spirit and let it guide us through this life. If yours is telling you that you are content, your husband is content and your daughter is content, then you are one very lucky woman indeed!

C. Beth said...

I love having 2 kids. I'm glad I have siblings. But I think Chickie could be happy as an only child, and I think I could have been too. I would be a different person, but not necessarily a better or worse person...just different.

I think you do what's best for you and Chris. There aren't any guarantees that Ellie will do better with a sibling...and no guarantees she'll do better as an only child. There's just no way to determine that!

Do what you guys want to do. :)

C. Beth said...

P.S. I love having a sister. So part of me has always been sad that Chickie will never know what it's like to have a sister (even though I was thrilled to get one girl and one boy.) But I've never considered having another baby, hoping it would be a girl, or adopting a girl, so she'd have a sister. We're at the point that feels right for us, so that's where we plan to stay. :)

shelley c. said...

I think that your family is wonderful as is. I think that Ellie is so lucky to have you guys as parents who care about her and want the best for her. I think that having another baby has to be what is right for the family, not just for one member, since it affects the whole family, not just that one member. You would never regret another child if you had one. But you would also never regret giving Ellie the amazing childhood that her being an only affords you the opportunity to do. As long as you and Chris are comfortable with whatever decision you make, then it is the right decision for your family. Whether that is adoption, having another, getting a dog, or sticking with the status quo and revisiting the idea at any other time - it is the right thing!!

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

Ellie is a total doll-face!! (But I guess you already knew that...) ;) I'm going to weigh in here, because I'm kinda bossy like that. I think you need to just trust yourself. Do you think your family is complete? If you do, then be done without guilt or worry! But if there's a nagging feeling like something is still missing, then it probably is. And of course, in that case...ADOPT! :) :) :) Or not. :)

Lisa said...

It looks like you have already gotten tons of advice on this matter, but I do want to put in my two cents (from the point of view of having siblings, since I am not yet a mother). I absolutely LOVE having sisters and a brother. I cannot imagine my life without them and I know that I would not be who I am today if my parents had stopped after me. Granted, I would not have known any different if I had been an only child, but then I think about a world without Mimi, Sara, and Eric...and that makes me sad. There would be no new baby Logan. I know that I do not want to have just one child, but everyone is different and you have to do what is right for you. I know that whatever you decide it will be the right decision and you won't have regrets.

Molly said...

It's ok! There are lots of only children out there. They're not all spoiled rotten. They are happy. They lead good, fulfilling lives. I'm one of them!!! So are you!!! :)

Meredith W said...

Tia, I truly think there is no wrong decision here. Forget about the whole spoiled only child thing. A child can be spoiled if they have siblings or not. You are going to raise Ellie right no matter what.

If you decide to adopt another child, you would be giving them a loving home where they are provided for and cared for and get to grow up with awesome parents and a super sister and you get to completely change what their life would have been like had they never been adopted.

If you have another child of your own they will get that same experience. whether biological or adopted a second child in your family will be infinitely loved by everyone.

If Ellie stays an only child she will be loved and cared for just as she always was.

Garrett and I are 4 years apart, and we are completely different people with totally different interests and lives. We love each other. But we are not all that close. We are getting along a lot better now that we are older, but still get in stupid arguments over stupid things. And yes, there are some siblings that are super tight and thats a relationship that is great, but you can't guarantee that will happen with your kids. And she can find a relationship like that with a best friend, and with you and with cousins or other family members.

It is something that will completely change your family dynamics.

It is something that will probably be incredible and wonderful and stressful.

All the things you go through with Ellie, the frustration, the laughter, the fun, the crying, those moments where you are so proud of her, those moments where you wondered how she even came up with the idea that got her in this much trouble... you would get to do it all over again.

And if Ellie stays an only child, then you will be just as happy with her and she will grow up to be a wonderful woman because you are going to raise her that way. And yes her life would have been different had she had a sibling, but no less fulfilling or fun or eventful.

I think the best thing I can do is remind you to pray about it.