Tuesday, September 7, 2010
So there is a big delimma in my life these days. Huge. Ginormous. Monstrous. It consumes my nearly every waking hour. I think and think and think about it. Stress about it. Worry about it. Endlessly.
The question is, should we give Ellie a sibling.
This sibling could come from us. A true sibling. The least likely scenario. I don't need to be pregnant again. There are lots of kids out there that need a good home.
This sibling could be adopted. A less least likely scenario. For some reason, I always see a little dark skinned child. A complete contrast to Ellie's ivory complexion. I can see their little different colored fingers entwined walking in front of us on the way to the park.
This sibling could be a dog. Ha! We are working on Chris, the dedicated dog hater in the family.
There is only one problem. Chris and I are totally completely happy with the little family we have. I certaintly don't need another baby. I don't even think I want one.
But I don't want any regrets. And it's not like I would ever regret another child. Ever. And I know that.
But we are still happy with where we are. With our little family. The three of us.
I know people think we are making a mistake, making the wrong decision.
But I don't know if I can have justify having a baby for Ellie, and not cause we really want to expand our family. Do you have a baby for your exsisting child? There is no guarantee they would be close. Plus, now they would be over 5 years apart. And every time we ask her if she wants a brother or sister, she says no.
I am justifying and I know that. She doesn't know what's best for her. Hell, in this situation, I don't know whats best either. I don't want her to be all alone when we are gone. But then again, I am a huge proponent that your family is what you make it to be.
Are we being selfish? We have it so good right now.
You see, I am an only child. And I loved it. As a grown woman, I can see the definite advantages of a brother or sister. But I don't feel like I am missing anything. I don't fell deprived of anything. And I have suffered some major life crisis. (Hello! mother dying when I was 26 and just getting to know her. How dare she!?!) But I still never said, "this would be so much easier with someone to share it with." Cause I don't know the difference. You just endure what you have to. Right?
I guess I just need someone to say "It's ok! There are lots of only children out there. Their not all spoiled rotten. They are happy. They lead good, fulfilling lives."
Actually, people have told me that. But I can see behind them. I see that they don't really mean it. They don't mean me harm and they are not judging me, but they don't mean it. They can't imagine having only one and don't really get it. I don't blame them for how they feel and I love them for trying to make me feel better.
Or even better, I wish I could see 20 years down the road. Make sure she is happy. Make sure she doesn't feel all alone.
It's such a freaking hard decision. I am so tired of worrying about it.
I could go on and on. But I think you get the general idea.